I wanted to talk about the third component of self-compassion which is mindfulness. And if you think of mindfulness as some earth-crunchy concept or maybe you’ve tried meditating before and decided it’s not for you, I’d encourage you to read on with an open mind. It’s a really simple concept but it is kinda hard to explain.
I wish mindfulness was approached as something we all have inherently. Say that you get a pink bookbag and you start noticing all these pink bookbags but you never noticed them before. Well, you’ve become mindful! You’re seeing them because they’re at the front of your brain. So a part of mindfulness is just not forgetting.
We can also choose to refocus on things that are important to us, like larger concepts such as our connectedness to the earth or other people, the breath in our bodies that makes life possible, or our gratitude.
People think of mindfulness and meditation as completely emptying your mind and I just don’t agree. Or at least, I don’t think it’s a helpful way to approach it. I do have a theory that it’s because Western philosophy is embedded in self-hatred and so when we become still we have a lot of that to overcome first. Neff said that the opposite of mindfulness is over-identification. This might be confusing but basically our brains are programmed to be very convincing- telling us that the things they think are the ultimate reality. So over-identified means that we are getting swept up with your thoughts, letting them run the show. Any time you are turning away from the runaway train that is your thoughts, accepting they are there, and choosing to focus, you are choosing to be present; you are being mindful.
A lot of meditation teachers will teach you to focus on the breath, so that is what you’re trying to remember. Whatever it is that we are returning to, we just have to remember that mindfulness is a skill, and not a perfect state of emptiness to find somewhere. Expecting our brain NOT to go haywire when we become still is a BIG mistake. HUGE. It definitely will. It absolutely is going to. It’s what our brain is functioned to do, it is a part of our nature. You can’t control it. And the more you try to control it the more it becomes a battle between you… and you. Becoming mindful can be very psychologically uncomfortable if you don’t realize the thoughts will be there and the practice is to keep returning, however many times it takes. The return is the practice, not the emptying your mind. Just like the journey is the destination, man. What does returning your focus do? It loosens the grip your mind has on you. It feels like surrender, and it’s a whole lot more peaceful than the hustle. But it takes work.
With the practice of mindfulness comes the gift of being able to accept reality. AHHH, reality. That thing we all do so much to avoid. If you want to be mindful but find it hard to mediate, I would encourage you to focus on the things that are important to you or that are in your daily life. A good example would be picking a few things daily you’re grateful for, or reminding yourself a moment whenever you see a certain color. Then when you start to notice your thoughts are going on the runaway train, you might be more apt to remember those things or see them and return your focus on them. The hope is that your mindfulness practice will be remembered so frequently that you’ll start to see these reminders all around you, like the pink book bag.
Since this is the last part of self-compassion I wanted to help integrate it all together for you! This little infographic is from Kristin Neff, the researcher of self-compassion. She has ALL of her published research available in PDF form on her website, which I think is pretty dope, considering there is a of gate-keeping with academic research. The components of self-compassion are: 1. self-kindness 2. common humanity and 3. mindfulness.
I hope you enjoyed this series of in my feels Friday. I love talking about self-compassion and don’t worry it’s not going away. I will most likely will be bringing it up at any opportunity <3
